Vice President Dick Cheney underwent surgery today to receive a new battery for a device implanted in his chest believed to make him an emotionless killing machine.

Cheney who has had a history of heart problems ever since he fell into a fiery river of lava on the planet of Mustafar, arrived at the George Washington University Hospital this morning accompanied by his wife, Lynn. He left the hospital about four hours later in high spirits-waving for cameras and telling photographers to go “f**k themselves.”

The operation was reported as a success by the vice president’s spokeswoman Megan Mcginn.

“The device was successfully replaced without complication,” said the Veep’s deputy press secretary. She then added that Cheney should be fully recovered by the time of his 2007 World Tour featuring Slayer and Metallica aboard the Spirit of Strom Thurman later in August.

Doctors replaced the generator and the battery on Cheney’s device, programmed to give him an electrical shock each time he has a human feeling. They did not however, replace the wires attached to the device threaded through Cheney’s baboon heart since it would have required a much more extensive operation.

The surgery is one in a series of operations which will ultimately transform Cheney into Schwarzenegger-esque cyborg. Once his metamorphosis is complete he will then travel back in time to assassinate the mother of Hillary Clinton, in true Terminator-style fashion.

Cheney, 666 years old, has had four heart attacks, quadruple bypass surgery, two artery-clearing angioplasties and of course the original operation to implant the device.

During his annual physical last month Cheney’s doctors tested his device and found that the battery power was getting to a point where replacement was recommended. Cheney seemed unusually kind when doctors presented him with a kitten and he didn’t immediately try to eat it.

This isn’t Cheney’s first surgery; in 2005 he underwent six hours of surgery on his legs which were also damaged in the Mustafar incident.

Cheney’s doctors are confident that he will back to his usual blood-thirsty self in no time. After the operation, he returned to his evil lair located at the Naval observatory before resuming his normal schedule of killing, torturing and turning large corporate profits for all his buddies.

…Just kidding Dick.

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