Elections: February 2008 Issue

Confessions of an Election-holic
A well traveled Brit tries to cope with his worst addiction yet.

By: Aidan McCaffery

My name is Aidan, and I have a problem. (Quiet applause). I'm an addict. (More quiet applause). But it's not alcohol, drugs or prescription medicine that I'm hooked on. It's the United States presidential elections and boy, if I don't get some primary stats in my veins quick, I might explode. (Yet more quiet applause. Fellow election junkies pat me on the back, several people murmur "well done, Aidan.") It took a lot for me to admit that.

Aidan McCaffery

If elections are a narcotic and modern media is the mode of administration, then this year's presidential election is the coffee table in a room share between Rick James, Keith Richards and John Belushi. For those not familiar with what makes 2008 special, let me explain the drug analogy: Imagine a contested party primary is a line of cocaine. In a normal election year, you'll get no more than fifty lines (usually less, depending on state and campaign politics). But with both the Democrats and Republicans looking to select a nominee, that means this year there will be somewhere near a hundred, often happening simultaneously. Basically, if I get to the party conventions alive, I'll be watching them from a detox centre and with a missing septum.

And much to the chagrin of my friends, I've taken my addiction on holiday.  I'm currently backpacking in New Zealand, but instead of being at one with the natural beauty this country has to offer, I'm obsessing about things like the lack of direction in the Republican field, whether Barack Obama is a black candidate or a candidate 'who happens to be black,' and whether having action star Chuck Norris endorse your campaign (as former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee has) is a good or bad thing. Instead of waking up and thinking, 'January 19th... Great, today I'm visiting Abel Tasman National Park!' I'm actually thinking, 'January 19th.... South Carolina Republican Primary! Must visit Internet cafe to analyze results!' Attempts to find my way to the South Island's Franz Josef Glacier are marred by my asking for the direction to the "John McCain Glacier." (I should have said Fred Thompson Glacier, as his campaign momentum was decidedly similar to that of a glacier).

The author backpacking in New Zealand, a rare moment away from the mass internet coverage of USA'08

The struggle for both parties to single out their nomination is only worsening my addiction. The race between Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama for the Democratic nomination is tight, with the Illinois Senator complicating the former First Lady's campaign (which was always based on her standing as the 'inevitable candidate') by winning the first primary of the season. The Republican contest is even more confusing/ exciting, as by the time of writing three different men have each won one primary or more. The race is definitely continuing through Super Tuesday, or February 5th, when 24 states cast their primary votes. That's right: 24 states.

My pupils are going to look like billiard balls and there won't be a damp spot left in my mouth that night. And judging from the voter turnout in the New Hampshire primaries, I'm not only the one addicted. (Although it is worth noting that the voter turnout is only up on the Democratic side; it must be with the 'change agents' of the Dem. race where the THC is located. Either that or after seven years of George Bush everyone associates the Republicans with a bad, hallucinogenic and paranoid high to stay well away from. If only they were.) 

And so 2008 is proving to be the best high of my life as an election junkie. But as we all know, most addictions don't have a happy ending". But as we all know, most addictions don't have a happy ending (just ask the aforementioned Rick James or John Belushi); I just hope both parties pick a candidate before I overdose on all the electioneering fumes before me, or take a paranoid dive from a 15th floor apartment window into the cement ground below. Alternatively, I could just go cold turkey. But I know it won't last long.

I'd guess about four years.

Send comments about this article to info@clubrelaford.com